Friday, September 9, 2011

Social Networking Brings Out the Kid In Everyone

Ok, so we've all been doing this social networking for several years now but it never ceases to amaze me how fucking stupid people can be. Adults make up about 95% of my total “friend” population on facebook but you wouldn’t be able to tell from looking at some of the shit that comes across my news feed. A simple solution would be to delete my facebook account but being in the military and always away from home it’s the only real way to stay connected with people and as much as I bitch, it is fun to see the stupid shit people do with their internet.  

These are the top five things I see that make me want to physically harm someone.

Status Regurgitation
For those of you who are new to the internet (which seems to be quite a few) this may be the first time you’ve heard this but you really shouldn’t believe everything you see on the internet. Maybe before you re-post the same half-witted nonsense your friends puked all over your news feed do a little homework to find out if what you are saying is true. Often times we see tributes to fallen Marines or soldiers that are inaccurate or political or religious mud slinging that nobody took the time to research properly and then come off either disrespectful or completely fucking moronic. Remember, just because your friends said it doesn't make it true. Before you re-post just use a little critical thinking skills and do a little research. It's so easy to go to and type in a few key words like I've done for you below. 

Cancer Awareness Psedo-activism
Next thing on my list is the cancer awareness bullshit. We’ve all seen it; everything from the bra colors to the “I’m ten weeks and I’m craving a bag of dicks” status updates. Stop that shit. Stop it right now. It’s annoying and it’s not like we’re not already aware of cancer. You would be hard-pressed to find a single person who hasn’t been affected by cancer and thus already well aware. Not to mention the fact that your pseudo-activism hasn’t done anything but become the very cancer of social networking sites.

DO NOT Deny God on Facebook!
Jesus doesn't have a facebook account and neither does god. So you can stop re-posting the “if you deny god on facebook he will deny you in heaven” bullshit. You’re obviously one of those people I used to get emails from back in the dial-up AOL days telling me that if I didn't forward the email to all my friends within 10 minutes I would get haunted in my sleep by some creepy ghost. Better safe than sorry right? Dumb ass. I’m pretty sure your salvation doesn't hinge on a shout out to Jesus on facebook and if it does you've got more problems than you think.

Spelling and Grammar
Jesus Christ people, that red squiggly line is there for a reason; click that shit and unfuck yourself. (Yes, unfuck is one of those words with the red squiggly line but I left it there for emphasis.) Brevity spelling was somewhat of a necessity when cell phones first came out and you almost had to type out every text in Morse code but it should have stopped there. I think most of us accepted brevity as convenience but those who couldn't spell and didn't know punctuation or grammar if you tied them up and spanked them with it were just using it to mask their illiteracy. But the secret is out now. At any given time you have access to several ways to avoid sounding like an idiot but so many are just that lazy.

Emo Status Updates
People don’t get on social networking sites to listen to how your life is so shitty. Sure some people go through rough patches and letting your friends know you’re not doing too well is one thing. But constantly fishing for facebook hugs because you can’t seem to get your shit together is another. Stop polluting my feeds with how you wish you had a better life or better friends and all these melodramatic and highly ambiguous status updates fishing for responses. It’s pathetic. There are people in the world with real fucking problems. Get your shit together and do something with your life like everyone else.


  1. You know I love you right?!?! I laughed and screamed, "Yes!" about a hundred times.

  2. YES!!!!! Oh Aron! This post sums up my life in a nutshell.